Veni, Vidi, Vici

No I am not pretending to be Julius Caesar, nor does Korea resemble the Roman empire in any way, but I feel nonetheless like I've gotten from this country exactly what I came for. No, I've not conquered Korea; I've conquered myself in Korea. This country was, is to some extent, for me an exciting country with lots of new foods to try, places to see and experiences to be had. Would I come here again if I had the chance? I don't know. This grant year came after 17 years as a student. It's been my chance to breath before I jump back into academics and start my real life. Maybe that's why I'm increasingly ambivalent about things these days-because none of it seems real, or at least pertinent, anymore. It's as if the real world is waiting for me back in America. And I don't think I'm alone on this point either, even if other ETAs haven't realized it yet. Regardless, I'll be taking much of this country back home with me. Note: If you see a good deal on a rice cooker, let me know. Spring has finally come to Mokpo. The windows of the apartment are wide open. The wind if fresh, and it doesn't bite anymore. Best of all, the trees are starting to bloom. Never underestimate the power of nature to improve your mood, even your life. Granted, my host mom keeps warning of impending red doom from China. Not missiles or soldiers, as far as I know. Rather something between dust clouds and pollution; probably a mix of the two. Apparently this happens every spring, and everyone either heads indoors or dons those ubiquitous and ridiculous bird flu masks. I don't know quite what to think of it just yet because, well, I haven't seen any red dust-but I'll let you know as soon as I start coughing up crimson colored clouds. Can you imagine, though, if every spring sand storms built up over the Mexican desert and bombarded San Diego and Los Angeles. It doesn't seem like there's much you could do about it, but I feel like Americans would have words with Mexico nonetheless...that's just our style. Highlights from JoonAng High School: I asked my 3rd year (Seniors) class what they would do if they had a million dollars; aside from cars, restaurants, and buying their own PC Bangs, one girl confidently told me she would have plastic surgery to buy a new face. Ouch. I'm pretty sure my host brother, the middle one, is gay (nothing to do with JoongAng). He doesn't know it yet, or maybe he does, but this is my professional opinion. If only the vast majority or Koreans didn't "hate" gay people...I guess they'll get over it eventually. One of my students wrote me a love letter, of sorts. She's bugged me a couple times to write her back, but I don't write notes, I'm not a fan of love letters, and the whole idea seems wildly inappropriate. Welcome to the broken heart club.

Swimming Lessons

OK, so this is my first blog post in the past 30 years. I have no regrets but it's good to be back. I've traveled the seven seas (or two of them), said hello to Southeast Asia and emerged from winter break well rested and with a newfound irritability towards small children. I don't think I've grasped just yet how much I've changed since coming to Korea. And despite the warnings, I never realized how much of a "process" living abroad would be. Coming in, everything in Korea was bright and new and shiny--like a newborn baby grabbing every finger and glistening object he can get his hands on. Only in my case it was kimbap and soju. It's like your first time to the pool on your second birthday. You probably don't remember everything, but you splashed, you giggled, you pissed in the shallow end and probably swallowed a bit too. I kept this pace up for a long time.The weather was great and the water just the right temperature. Embedded in this outlook, this newfound excitement, is seemingly infinite patience for silly foreigners, obnoxious children, and old ladies talking to you for five minutes knowing damn well you don't understand a word they're saying (or maybe they just don't care, its all the same to you anyway). Somewhere between 3 and 5 months off the boat and waste deep in the water, you veer downhill. Down a long, windy, and potentially lonely road to the deep end. Apathy sets in. Suddenly old ladies pushing you to get on the bus just doesn't have that same charm that it did before. Patience wanes, and eventually you start avoiding interaction all-together. Annoyance turns to aversion and lo and behold, even the site of small children triggers the fight or flight response. The notorious "hello, hello, hello....!!!" leaves you grasping for an invisible 9-iron. Thank god for those swimming lessons: orientation, classes, the gym, whatever you want to call it, because the water's choppy over there and no matter how far, how hard you stretch, the bottom remains elusive. Sure, you can psychoanalyze yourself, collect your thoughts and re-nogociate that impenetrable mindset. But you're still treading water in a foreign land, bobbing up and down grasping for air. In my case, vacation didn't come a moment too seen. A week in Hong Kong afforded a deep breath before another plunge back under. Christmas with friends in Seoul was wonderful. If only I could feel my toes because that time of year the water gets damn cold. Then, suddenly, the site of my parents--a welcome small piece of America--lets me grab the side of the pool before the current drags me under again. All the same with Japan, only this time I've got a taste for the fresh air. Even six days back under leaves my legs numb, seeing stars as I hold my breath looking up at the opaque surface. At least now I've found the bottom. So I leave, and I don't look back. Cebu, Boracay, Bangkok...finally time I've found the ladder and the rungs are plush and cushioned. March 1. I stare back into the pool. There's the shallow end on one hand--but somehow it just doesn't have the same charm and fascination it did when I was a kid. And maybe I'll get self-conscious splashing around with rubber floaties on my arms. Nah, the water's getting nice this time of day. The sun's sinking down on the horizon so I shouldn't get too burnt. I think I'll just dip my feet in. I've got a beer in one hand and a book in the other. I can hang low, relax for three months. Soon I'll head back to work, next door. Only this time I get to be the life guard. Sure, I've got to climb a few steps to get up into the bird's nest. The say the training is brutal and the hours long. But I hear the view is great. And I can dive back into the water any time I want. At least now I know how to swim.

Musing on Korea I

Instead of bore you with my inadequate attempts to control high school students, I've decided to start a series of mini posts on life in Korea, anecdotes on the plus and minuses, ups and downs, and unfiltered observations of a strange and foreign world. With respect to any current or future cultural comments, I mean no criticism, only observation.

- People stare at you. This is clearly not the case in Seoul, far more urban and worldly than the rest of Korea. But in Mokpo or any other provincial city, Koreans stare are you like you're going to eat their kids or cop a feel as soon as they look away. I can't ever tell if I've made their day or ruined it by invading their cultural homogeneity--but the sight of dirty blonde hair, blue eyes and light skin indubitably causes instant optical paralysis in about 25% of the population. Let me clarify though, I don't think this is rude on there part. I suppose the pilgrims looked a bit strange to the Wampanoags in 1621 (Thank you Thanksgiving lesson...). Though if there is one thing I've gained from this experience-it's that Americans should enjoy cultural pluralism. Be proud of the Thai restaurant down the street and (for most people) the feeling that we're all *the same.* Because here in Korea, I am not the same. And there's no Thai in Mokpo.

- This one is less cultural and more familial: I am afraid to use the toilet in this apartment. No, it's clean-and the one attached to the parental suite is just fine-but the communal bathroom toilet in this apartment clogs before I even get the urge to use it. One time I looked at it funny and it overflowed. Pon Kil (Host Dad) pumps and snakes the thing at least once every day or so, but that just puts us back at square one. My host mom thinks the kids got one of their toys stuck up in their, I prefer to think think someone re-routed the pipe into a brick wall.

- Living with small children--something I never did until now (Thank you Mom and Dad!)--they love to touch, lick, and sneeze on everything in the household. I'll just go ahead and point out that Korea is a very communal culture, meaning we all eat out of the same dishes, often share the same glasses, etc. Hence shared germs are a way of life. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate these kids (they're far better than most to be honest), but they do drive me up the wall on a regular basis--and for the simple fact that they're kids (another post, another time). But when one kid gets sick, you can pretty much start the countdown until everyone else is: because coughing and hacking sans barrier is a way of life. When there's a hunk of meat on the table, I'll grab my chunk and hoard it like a starving hyena just before multifold chopsticks bear down into the rest. When there's fresh greens on the table, grab yourself one or two before little fingers go searching and discarding through every piece until they find the perfect one down on the bottom. What can I say when an 8 year old sticks his tongue in a communal dipping sauce? These observations are not uniquely Korean, I understand. But they're still unique to me. Remember those Superbowl commercials where the guy at work is surrounded by a bunch of deranged monkeys? That's pretty how I feel at home--except they prefer to sing and dance, touch, and jump head first into the wall instead of pound on keyboards in the office.

I'm Still Alive

Since Korea is making all the headlines back home, I figure it's worth a post to explain what life is actually like on this side of the pond. In a nutshell, nothing's changed. Like a fistful of irony, I didn't find out what was going on between North and South Korea until I logged into nytimes.com and, lo and behold, my little corner of the Earth is front and center in a cloud of smoke. To be honest, I can't actually say whether this because a) no one is talking about it over hear or b) no one felt like talking about it with me. I think it's a mix of the two.

As far as I can tell, these skirmishes have been going on between the two sides intermittently for the past 50 years. I don't want to belittle the events, there were death's on Yeonpyeong Island, but these flare ups have gone on for so long that Koreans are largely desensitized from any serious emotion. Yes, of course it's on the news--and it's probably a welcome respite from 24 hour kimchi jiggae documentaries, despite the inherently morose nature of the proceedings--but that doesn't mean the whole country comes to a halt and climbs under their chairs. On the rare occasion that I talk to Koreans about they're neighbor to the North, the feeling is more of embarrassment than serious anger or anxiety. It's like your crazy uncle who keeps embarrassing the family name in the news, maybe he killed somebody, what can you say?Is your life suddenly screwed forever? Except for many people in South Korea, they do have uncles up North. And even if they don't know them anymore, this is one homogenous race that shares the same history and culture. Sure, some people are scared that war will break out--but eventually you stop being surprised and start expecting these events, even if you're scared to death that some day it'll hit close to home.

Long story short, I think this is bigger news in America than it is in Korea. If only because American media is so much more sensationalist than their counterparts over here. So maybe I should just say "news" instead of news, but most Koreans here seem to take it in stride, absorb the details, and get one with their lives. I mean, someone's got to keep this Asian Tiger chugging. Let's not forget, though, that South Korea's war is America's war by default. So even if we're not "one people," I guess we definitely have in interest in what's going on over here. And to allay any fears, I would like to tell everyone that I, and everyone else outside of one unfortunate island, am OK. In the event that anything were to happen, being a part of the FB family puts me in first contact with the U.S. embassy, and we have a staff working full time to look out for our best interests--whether that means evacuating us on a moments notice or answering our mundane questions about life in Korea and how to figure our internet banking. Even if I shouldn't, I feel pretty safe over here. The odds say I'm far more likely to get murdered by a crazy-man back home than I am by a North Korean--I guess it's just the proximity that makes you think twice.

What's on the Mind of a Korean High Schooler?

More specific: what's on the mind of a mildly motivated high schooler at Jungang High School. After a whole lot of cheap anecdotes and back handed complaints, I thought I'd finally give you a glimpse these hellions.

I gave a G20 Summit lesson (thanks to Teacher Jim) to all my students this week. In case you missed it, the G20 was in Seoul on the 11-12th of November, so in some form or another it was a "big deal" here in Korea. They had bilboards, advertisements, and commercials all about Korea and her *coming out party.* Still, I guess I'm not surprised how many students didn't have a clue about the event...at least my students anyway. After peppering in a few music videos and YouTube caricature sequences to hold their attention, I covered basic vocabulary like "leader" or "summit meeting" (I guess summit really isn't that basic, but oh well) and then run through all the who, what, when, where, and why's of the event. Despite the lack of awareness on behalf of most of the kids, I was consistently shocked at how many country's flags they're familiar with. In the middle of the lesson I ran through all 20 (see, 20 countries, G20). They consistently knew Australia, Saudi Arabia, India, France, Italy, Argentina, Brazil, South Africa, Russia, etc. All in all, I think they did better than the average American student, as the only one that really tripped them up was Indonesia--and even that came up about half the time. Part of this might be due to soccer fandom, the world cup, since it was the boys who usually knew the hard ones (On the whole, the few girls in my classes come off a little brighter).

Anyway, what I really wanted to mention was the grand finale, in which I had them write a "request" to one of the G20 presidents. After covering, or attempting to cover, the idea and vocabulary behind a request, I gave them about 20 minutes to think, scratch, and bang they're heads against the wall and write a request. This wasn't a free writing exercise however, that would hit a brick wall in my classroom. Up on the project were the words: "I would like to ask the president of _______ to please __________because _________," along with a list of 20 countries. Three blanks, easy enough, right? To put things in perspective, I would say only about 2/3 of the students wrote anything at all--despite poking and prodding by myself and co-teacher. And about half of those only wrote down what was on the projector. It goes without saying that those who finished the single sentence were my better students--many of which were helped through by myself or Lee Teacher and consulted a dictionary of some sort. Anyway, here's what Korean students think about politics:

- I want to ask the president of Saudi Arabia to please oil because are country need the nature gas
- I want to ask the president of U.S. to please gun because our country need the killing weapon
- I want to ask the president of United States to please Brazil because aze sick people (I think he meant AIDS here)
- I want to ask the president of Korea to please you die because I hate you (about 10 more just like this one)
- I want to ask the president of South Korea to please cow import because it's not good for our health
- I want to ask the president of United States to please help we are country Korea because verey poor
- I want to ask the president of South Korea to please make some way to enter the univercity because entering the univercity is harod
- I want to ask the president of South Korea to please make a baseball times and ground because I like play baseball
- I want to ask the president of South Korea to please stop teaching English because English is very hard
- I want to ask the president of France to please give back to Korea because is our traditional book (???)
- I want to ask the president of Rusia to please war because bad man Japan
- I want to ask the president of China to please plan trees because a desert yellow sand
- I want to ask the president of Canada to please I'd like to see a musical because lovely
- South Korea stop talking your talking is very boring and stupid people
- I want to ask the president of Argentina to please help me because sexy girl
- I want to ask the president of to please population move because my country has a small population
- I want to ask the president of India to please stop movie musical because movie time is long
- I want to ask the president of Korea to please make student special rules because all student want freedom
- I want to ask the president of USA to please Korea president kill because he is bad and have no determination
- I want to ask the president of Saudi Arabia to please give oil because very very money

- I want to ask the president of France to please make breads for me because I'm very hungry
- I want to ask the president of India to please make curry for me because I like curry and hungry
- I want to ask the president of Japan to please people because Japan people my style
- I want to ask the president of China to please not making china goods because I want my korea goods
- I want to ask the president of all country to please nothing because I'm happy
- I want to ask the president of Japan to please shot up because I Don't like Janpen
- I want to ask the president of Germany to please do not make beer because I don't drink (My least favorite)
- I want to ask the president of China to please do not fight the Japan because China e Japan's economy is to down
- I want to ask the president of China to please no dirty food because food eating body sick
- I want to ask the president of Japan to please more fast many X dult video because im very super like it
- I want to ask the president of Korea to please promote social welfare because there is no remedy for poverty
- I want to ask the president of Japan to please don't say that everything in dokdo are yours because those things are ours

And the kicker:

- I want to ask the president of South Korea to please don't making condom because I like natural

*No further comment necessary...though that last one was a girl.

Fall is here.

It took a little longer than expected, but autumn is in full swing in the southern reaches of Korea. The wintry winds are blowing in, the leaves are ablaze, and my nose refuses to stop running. Most of the time my internal V-8 keeps me chugging on cold mornings, but it's also nice to wake up to heated ondol floors--one of the many mysterious luxuries in Korea, perpetuated in modern buildings with or without historical context.

As for heating though, I recently explored another of the strange and wonderful Korean saunas. On Saturday I headed up to Daejeon to give D. Chang a visit--though with the explicit intention of visiting a sutkam (숮감) sauna in the middle of bumble@#%$ nowhere outside of the city. I took the trip with his host family Saturday night, winding down some one-lane roads in the mysterious dark abyss. There was only one wiggly line left on the otherwise pitch black GPS, leading down to a strange little restaurant sauna in the rural hills. No hottub at this one, only hot air. You get dressed up in the typical light blue nut-house gard and proceed out into the cold starlit air, from which you can choose from a few different little huts covered in big thick fire blankets.

The story behind all this is actually fairly interesting, so I might as well explain it. There's a calbi restaurant attached to the main building, and the meat is always cooked over a distinct pine species at just the right temperature. 숮감, literally charcoal, refers to the wood itself, which they burn slowly over the the coarse of a week or so. Every couple days they move the wood to a new room--and each of these little rooms heats a different sauna, consequently a unique temperature depending on the age of the wood. Well, I'll just start by saying that one of these rooms will burn you in places you didn't know existed. I'm sure the old, thick skinned ajummas (old ladies) take it in stride, but I was about to pass out after thirty seconds or so. The hot air alone left light burns on my arm, not to mention my putzing around with the blanket on my way in and out. Chang and I settled for the next room, plenty hot and not quite so excruciating. They idea with these sauna (and I guess, with any sauna) is to sweat.
And sweat I did. Rotating between the sultry sauna and nipply cold air for a couple hours I looked, and smelled, like a skanky wet dog. The kicker: you're not supposed to shower--it ruins the, well, I actually have no idea what it ruins, but rules are rules. When I did shower, however, I felt about as fresh as the day I was born. My skin, to my delight, was nice and soft. To be honest though, I don't know if it was actually soft, or just the relative feeling post-disgusting. What difference does it make?

I'll also spend a little time describing this past Tuesday's field trip--one because that's where the latest pictures came from and two, the hilarity of seeing grown men (teachers) going through a role reversal of sorts. I had Tuesday off this week for an open house for middle schoolers and their parents. This was only in the morning though, and during the afternoon I got to tag along on the latest social debacle commonly known as a teachers field trip. Most of the teachers at my school are getting a little long in the tooth, or at least firmly situated in the middle of their careers--but once they step out of the school doors and onto a tour bus, all hell breaks loose. Picture previously stern and learned instructors walking up and down the aisles of the bus throwing out beer and snacks and having a ball. The start and end of the trip including restaurant meals, never complete without the bottomless glass of soju, but the focus of the day was actually a trip to Haenam (literally, "country"), one of the many temple sanctuaries currently ablaze in the glory of autumn. For me this was another chance to whip out the camera and catch the fall colors, but I didn't forget my friends at the trailside restaurants--having a ball with no students, good food, and local sweet potato makkeoli. Perhaps the most interesting part: 3 months in and I'm still indisputably a guest in this country. As such, all the teachers make it their personal endeavor to break bread (errrr, rice?) and share in a bottle of booze. These best part though, they always get drunk a whole lot easier than me, so I get treated to food and wine and social entertainment without feeling it the next morning. Maybe the foreigner *shine* will wear off some day. In the mean time, I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Seoul City Birthday

One nice thing about living in a foreign country is you can always rationalize a protracted birthday. Let me explain. Korea's now 14 hours ahead of Ohio, which means my birthday starts 14 hours ahead over here. There's no reason not to celebrate it once it starts, and why quit at 12 pm here when my b-day is just getting started back home. I mean, that's technically when the sacred day is, since I was born under EST, but let's not obsess over the details. Just assume that my b-day lasts for 48 hours; only mine.

Regardless, this past weekend was a blast. Got to see Andrea on here first trip across the Yellow Sea and met another Athens native in the process. It's always satisfying talking about OU Halloween and students throwing other students out of windows when your half way across the world in a basement hookah bar in the 2nd* biggest city in the world. I must say though, Seoul does hookah well. The beer is a bit lacking, as you've heard me gripe, but they make up for it with solid shisha and sultry dancing groups. Anyway, the rest of the weekend did not disappoint either. Shout out to Jee for hooking us up with the pubs and chinese food. Last week I didn't know what the oldest Chinese restaurant in Korea was like, but I can sleep well now with my taste buds satisfied. Chinese food is a funny beast over here. The thing is I know it's different than the American version, I just don't know why.
Less sugar, sauces aren't as heavy I guess. I guess I just don't feel like a puddle of grease when I'm done eating. In other news though, I was walking around Hongdae on my way to a club and low and behold there's a massive black man strolling down alley with a throng of Koreans and rubbernecking and snapping pictures. , I don't mean large, or heavy, or tall--maybe gargantuan is a bit closer. Well, this 6' 5" behemoth turns out to be MMA heavyweight Bob Sapp doing who-the-hell-knows-what over here in Korea. I'm not one for celebrities and all the hubbub, but I do respect a physical spectacle now and again--so I took my picture and rambled off a happier man.

On one of the more educational moments over the weekend I took a tour around Yonsei University in Seoul--one of the "prestigious" three in Korea and apparently the prettiest. I might actually make a hobby out of college tours--I guess I'm somehow driven to college architecture and scenery; It doesn't hurt that I went to the prettiest* college in American (thanks Forbes). I mean, they put gobs of money into these places, so I guess the pseudo-advertising does its jobs. I didn't hurt that Seoul was right in the thick of Fall color over the weekend. The reds and yellows were striking. If I could cryogenically freeze myself, I would plan to wake up once a year for about doing weeks this time of year. Between the crisp northern breeze, the sharp blue skies and the blazing foliage--I could be a happy man just sitting back and taking it all in.

You wouldn't know it in Mokpo, but apparently the G20 Summit has got Seoul bumpin' right now. Just as I was leaving, the city was ramping up with concerts and festivals and anything you can imagine to make Korea look like another "city of the future" and ready to play with the big dogs. I guess riots are a big problem though, as with any G20, G8, or G6 1/2 Summit. I found out first hand when I was interrogated in the subway for five minutes--questioned about everything down to my skivvies. "Please show me your back Sir. No! Don't open your bag." All I have a chance to say is "what do you want me to do?" As I get: "what's in the bag? What are you doing here." Ironically, they threw so many questions at me that I didn't actually have time to answer a single one of them. I guess they got their satisfaction, and I found out what it's like to be racially profiled. Well, I'm not complaining, just stating. Keep in mind Korea is something like 1.5% foreign, a fraction of that white--so I can't really blame them when I stand out like an Asian at a Nascar race.

Well, that's enough for now, in a couple days I'm headed to Daejeon to get my spa on. Apparently the place is famous for some sort of pine needle rejuvenation. I mean, who doesn't like a solid coniferous exfoliation now and again?